don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
