I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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