I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
