"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
