Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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