I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
