You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
