this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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