Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So squirting runs in the family.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
