Do you still have your period?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
