His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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