I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I want her autograph on my taint
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Found the puke drawer
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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