Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
