my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
