just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
