Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
