Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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