my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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