Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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