my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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