i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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