yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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