I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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