yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
