I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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