I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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