Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
