We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My liver just broke up with me...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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