I feel great
I just peed on a car
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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