He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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