I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I want to make a zoo with you.
4 words: hood of his car
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
