Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
