you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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