pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
