she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
