Porn is love you can see.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
