Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
