I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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