OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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