feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I want her autograph on my taint
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
