there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
