I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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