is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
