I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
