i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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