What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
