i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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