What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
