Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
