Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
