remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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