At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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