She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
