Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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