We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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