If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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