Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
