bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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