it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
