I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
