I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
