WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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