His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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