I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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