dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
