My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
